Why you should date your best friend.

By; Gary W. Lewandowski

Being someone’s BFF is a big deal — you don’t hand over the other half of your “Best Friends” necklace to just anyone. If your BFF is also your romantic partner, it could be the best of both worlds: one person to laugh and share your life with and cuddle. Some famous couples like Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis appear to not only be happy and in love, but also to genuinely enjoy hanging out together.

How many people feel they have attained this ideal, and do psychologists confirm this is a good paradigm to strive for? I enlisted the help of Monmouth University Polling Institute in New Jersey to investigate.

How Many People Have Two-In-One Relationships?

We asked 801 adults across the United States the following question: “Do you consider your partner to be your best friend or do you call somebody else your best friend?” The vast majority (83 percent) considered their romantic partner to be their best friend. Men and women had similar rates, married adults had even higher rates, while younger respondents had slightly lower rates.

In a 1993 study, only 44 percent of college students indicated their romantic partner was also their best bud. The current study's results are almost double that, just 20 years later. However, the difference could be an artifact of different kinds of research subjects, since the 1993 study used only college students.

How Have Relationship Expectations Changed?

Expectations have evolved into higher standards for modern relationships. Men and women are more accustomed today to having equal footing in friendships, and once a romantic couple forms, they are more likely to seek egalitarian splits of power and divisions of labor.

In particular, couples now expect their relationships to promote their personal growth and goals. For example, your partner might teach you new things like how to make the perfect creme brulee, take you places like the cool new trampoline park, or open your eyes to new perspectives such as the benefits of eating vegetarian.

Higher expectations could create a burden, but researchers believe that modern relationships are up to the task. Self-expansion is what researchers have named the idea that a relationship can help an individual become a better person. Relationships that provide more expansion are also of higher quality.

Do Best-Friend Romances Have Higher Expectations?

We wondered if those who consider their partner their best friend also expect more from them. The Monmouth University Poll asked, “For an ideal relationship, how much should you expect your partner to help you grow and expand as a person?” Respondents had generally high expectations overall, and those with best-friend romantic partners expected a bit more from them.

Of course, expecting more won’t automatically translate into better results. Consider a situation where you want more from your job; that doesn’t guarantee you’re going to get what you want.

Are Best-Friend Partners Better Partners?

We asked poll respondents, “How satisfied are you with your current relationship — extremely, very, somewhat, not too, or not at all satisfied?” Those who considered their partner their best friend were much more satisfied in their relationship than those who did not consider their partner their BFF.

This finding is consistent with research about kinds of love. Companionate love is based on friendship, feelings of affection, comfort and shared interests. Passionate love is based on intense feelings of attraction and preoccupation with one’s partner. Research has shown that relationships consisting of more companionate love last longer and are more satisfying.

In companionate relationships, people feel their partner is highly likable and companionship is important. A study of 622 married individuals revealed more satisfaction, relationship importance, respect for their partner and closeness. Two recent studies with nearly 400 participants indicate valuing the friendship aspect comes with more commitment and love and decreases the chance of breaking up.

These benefits are backed up by a special type of relationship expert: couples who’ve been happily married for over 15 years. Researchers asked over 350 such couples the secret to long-term relationship success. The most common reason given was that their partner was their best friend, and the second most common reason was that they liked their partner as a person — another key aspect of friendship-based love.

Why Are Best-Friend Partners So Beneficial?

These findings about romantic partners make perfect sense when you consider what best friends share. Friends enjoy spending time together and sharing interests. They take care of and trust each other, and feel a lasting bond between them. It isn’t just coincidence that these qualities also define successful intimate relationships.

You can benefit by recognizing the parallels between the two types of relationships and holding all your relationships to the same standard. Too often, individuals forgive bad behavior by a partner that they would never accept from a friend. Imagine if your friend was mean, rude, grumpy, nagging, dishonest, argumentative, unstable, ignored your texts, called you names or didn’t want to talk with you. Would you still want to be friends? It’s fair to hold similar expectations for your romantic partner.

To be clear, the argument here isn’t that you should try to convert an existing best friend into a romantic partner. You may not want to run the risk of compromising that friendship. But the data point out the importance of your romantic partner also being one of your best friends. 

Ultimately, the best way to have true love forever may be to be best friends forever first.

Gary W. Lewandowski Jr. is a professor of psychology at Monmouth University in New Jersey.